What lies ahead?

Kahlil Gibran once wrote: “Your reason and your passion are the rudder and sails of your seafaring soul. If either be broken, you can but toss and drift or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone is a force confining. And passion unattended is a flame that burns to its own destruction.”

What Kahlil wrote struck me hard and I decided to use it for my UniSim scholarship application. I was ask to write about two personal challenges i face in life and that was what I wrote as my greastest challenge that I ever face. Finding your reason and passion for living.

I count myself lucky as unlike many others, I know what I want in life and I am slowly bit by bit trying my best to pave my road there. The question I am facing right now is… Am i choosing the right path? One of my friend in station told me “Dude, you are sooooooo money driven!” I admit I am. I had chosen money over God. I had chosen money over many other things in life. And money is the reason why I am so into investment and trying out my own business start up. To me, money buy happiness, money buys everything and without money its only burdens, worries and unhappiness. I had seen so many friends that are rich and enjoying their life away. I picture myself able to travel and buy stuff without having to worry about bills later on.

I dont know what had caused me to be so money driven. Ever since primary school, my ambition is to be a businessman. To run my own company and get it listed and start hitting the big bucks. Since primary school i had already been paving my path. I start working at my uncle ice cream shop since primary 5 all the way till secondary school where I help him manage his store. After O Levels I wanted to take up business so badly that i took a part-time degree in Thames Business School while doing poly in the day. In poly I joined a business club, climbing for member to vice-president to treasurer to student adviser. My CCA transcript is 3 pages long when others could hardly finish their 1st. After poly, I jump into investments and the stock market. I had been reading books after books, reports after reports. My eyes are typically stuck to the charts on the latest market trends and the economic news thats going around everyday. The profits that i reap from all my devotions is 1) Left church 2) Lost all my friends 3) Find myself at a crossroad again.

What makes it harder to turn back is, when i look at my parents I can only continue moving forward and not stop to repath myself again. Ever since my dad’s business failed during the 1997 financial crisis, things in my family had took a big turn. We had to sell away my favourite home in kallang (2 4-rooms HDB hit into one) and move twice to clear our debts. Ok not like its a bungalow but than we never really worry about money back than. I got everything i wanted under the sun and the family was more like a family. With occasional trips overseas, to good restuarnts etc. My dad had his first holiday in 11 years in July this year since his business failed. He have been typically working 365 days a year, 7 days a week and 16 hours a day to support the family. My mum whom used to bring home a good salary pay got retrench and is now a housewife. I look at them and I told myself, one day i will repay them 1000 times back. I want to be able to send them off to travel around the world and to let them enjoy themselves for their later part of their lives. In order to do that i need money! I want to be able to go to them and say “Pa, Ma heres my credit cards. Pass me those bills and go enjoy yourself.”

My dad has been the greatest dad ever. All these years, he never once complaint or thought of giving up at all. He just keep on hanging on and do his duty as a father and as a husband. He came home everyday without even showing signs of tiredness or unhappiness. Name me one dad that could work 365 days a year, 7 days a week and 16 hours a day, at times even during chinese new year and not scold, complaint or blame his children and wife at all. I dont think one exist other than my dad. And now as i type this, all i could do its shed my tears of remorse and guilt. For being so spendthrift, so stubborn, so selfish. It is because of this very reason, I need to be able to provide my parents with a good retirement. Thats why i am speeding up my studies hoping to get out into the world to work as soon as possible. The sooner i start my career, the faster my parents will enjoy their lives. But all I am afraid is, I might not have the chance to do so or the time to bring forth happiness into their lives. For that i pray that time permits me to repay my parents and to for once in my life, a chance to be a filial son.