Its been such a long time since i last blogged. Its amazing how much had happened over the past few months. How much things had took a turn. These five months felt like 5 years.
My career had stabilized. Now the game is all about sustainability. However, the pressure of the industry is still the same. Even harder when you want to stay righteous and be the salt and light in this industry. I am glad that God had been blessing me and God had honor me with many awards. But I cant help feeling upset, whenever I burst a deal due to my in-capabilities, and all this “capabilities” can only be gain through experience and age.
I question myself sometimes, how have I glorify God in this industry. Sometimes in the way i handled my clients and the way i package my presentation. I am doing everything legally, but could i have handled it in a better way. I burst a major deal this week. $2.62mil deal. Commission adds up to about $54,000. Some agent undercut me and close it and the seller back out on the 0.5% he agrees to give me. I have every right to get upset and fight for my rights. However, when I look back, the mistakes i make and the way i try to push my way through. It doesnt only give myself a bad name but I believe it upset God greatly too. I am no different from any agents in that way. I wanna create a win-win situation. I want every deal to close with a happy ending, but is it possible in this industry when people eat each other up?
I look back the past 5 months now. There had been progress in my career, in my material possession. But when i look to my walk with God. Not only have I not grown deeper in the Lord, I backslide. Everytime God reveal himself and allows me to grow, I fall back once again into sins. It’s just so frustrating. Why am I so weak spiritually. I am sick of staying on the same grounds with God. I wan to grow. I want more of God. I want to be Godly. But somehow I can never get there. Am i trying too hard on my own strength and understanding? How can i than allow God to take full control?
I am only 22 and I am earning more than a commercial pilot. Have this cause me to be arrogant and proud? Full of myself? Through the mistakes I make time and time again, I know I am not the smartest man on earth. I know I am not a jack of all trades. I know I am not as capable as i think I am. I know the things i have now, much as its the fruits of my labour, but I only got them because God had given them to me. I want to be humble. I want to face the reality and fact that I am nothing without God. My achievements today is nothing if God haven given them to me. Everything i have today is cause of God’s love for me. I want to stop being so self-centered. But why do people have to come time and time again to challenge this fact about me. To get me to raise up my walls and armor and fight for myself and my pride. Why cant people just live peacefully and stop trying to get me to prove myself to them. I know my worth is not in others recognition, but i cant help to prove to them that they are wrong.
“Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD.” – Psalm 25:4-7
