*What is a heart break without emo songs right? LOL!
So the verdict is out. After 20 days of cooling off period. To think it through, to see if we truly like each other or are we just mere lonely. Her answer confused me though. Because she said she like me but she is lonely too. I guess its not at all important now. Because ultimately she said that she wants to serve God first and she has a burden for her hometown in chiang rai. But did i ever said I’m not willingly to move to chiang mai at all? I guess the reason why i let it end it there and then, is because I know its more than just what we want. God had answered and He has clearly given us a direction. After all, the purpose of the 20 days cooling off period was to honor God. Maiz and I had been talking about making the relationship a God centered one. So that 20 days the both of us prayed about this everyday. I guess at the end, deep in our hearts we both know God’s answer is that we are not ready.
Part of me just wanna risk it all you know. To give it a shot and come what may! LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL! What is love when we dont take risk right? What is love when we don’t get ourselves into a round of hopeless romance. That is pure stupidity. She is right, she don’t wanna be a nightmare to her future husband. So do i! We both have issues in our lives to deal with and at the moment we just cant give our best to each other. And if we cant give the best of ourselves to each other than what is the point? We dont have to play with fire to know that fire burns! I been telling myself during that 20 days, to be brutally honest with myself when i seek God. If I said i love her, why would I even want to risk it and settle for something less now? Why would I want to jump into a relationship knowing that it wont last and the both of us is going to get hurt at the end of it all? Why do I want to give her a lesser me when I can give her my best?
Oh yeah.. I’m upset and as I’m typing this, I’m tearing. But I guess what hurt the most is because I’m disappointed with myself. Because I knew i could not give any excuse when she said that she knows she is not the full package i wanted in my girl. She was everything i ever wanted in a girl. Sweet, caring, loving, funny, pretty, chemistry, love God. That’s her characteristics, but naturally deep down I hope she could be a singaporean. Guess what! I didnt even know this myself till she pointed it out to me. Guess its the “got me out of surprise” that beats me up.
I thank God! I really do, because the me a few months back would have been totally crashed by this. The old me would probably be venting it all out in some thai disco, fooling around with some girls from some pubs in clark quay. I would have been in my depression mode, dropping work, dropping God, dropping life! Guess God really bring his test to a whole new level when I said no matter what happen in life I will never stop worshipping or serving him. With everything that is crashing down now, my finances and family, and now this, i felt as if a part of me had die. Not wanting to pray or spend time with God anymore. Not wanting to serve. But to just be alone. But God reminded me that the trials I’m going through this season doesnt change the fact that He is still God. That He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. That His ways are still greater than my ways. He is still the Lord of Lord, the Kings of Kings. And my circumstances this season are no greater than His purposes. This is so tough God but I know You will strengthen me.
Yes, no matter what happen in life, God’s work should never stop. I will continue to be a blessings to the people around, continue to fund the works in chiang mai, continue to reach out to the people that God had place a burden in me, continue to disciple Macro, continue to search for the church venue. And YES! I gotta remove the “I” from the equation and redirect my energy and focus on the sheeps that God has place infont of me. People like chee keong, Irene, Randee, my doggy gang, my muay thai family etc etc.
Ok i did my pet talk already, but i feel the same.
