Roger that! Loud and clear!

I cant remember when was the last time I hear God so clearly. It just hit me and God smack it right in my face. I can feel my spirit being so stirred so so much. Roger that Lord! Roger that!

This is what happen. I run my car over a tree branch. It slit a hole on the cover to my engine oil. I continue driving without knowing it and my entire engine went into an overhaul. It take $20,000 to repair it through Borneo Motors and I am able to do an insurance claim. The catch is, Chartis Insurance will not renew me for next year since I have two claims in 3 years! If Chartis dont renew me, that would also means all the other insurance would not renew me. That will not be what i want.

Alternatively, I could bring my car to another workshop, get it repair for only $4000 without an insurance claim. This option seem to be better, but the thing is, business been bad. I have not close a deal for the month which means I will have no income for the next 3 months. And i need to pay for my Africa mission trip which amounts to about $5000. I need to as well  launch the FSBO package which will cost me another few thousand dollars. Cash flow is starting to be tight now and it will be unwise to be living on credit again. 

While i was jus lying there, God plan it into my head. This is what God said. “Sell the car, take the profit and wait out.” That was revelation to me. I mean i can still afford a car. I can still sell my current car and than get a another car and still afford the monthly installment. But I will be pushing myself to the limit. I will be like living on the hot wire of life and death. One wrong mistake again, would means its game over. I will also have to compromise on alot of things. Temporary lesser allowance to my mum and cut back on my tithe to the church. Or maybe even cancel the Africa trip! Which is way wrong. Which is what the devil wants!

I feel that God is saying, stop running in the rat race and allow the world to control me. I need to live life free. And deep down in me, i feel strongly that God is teaching me humility. Letting go of that car means I would have to learn to let go of my ego, pride and arrogance. Which I dont deny, i have alot of that in me. It is also a good time to see who will stick by when i no longer can give them the convenience of a ride home.

OHHHH!!! its painful. Trust me it is. I pray and i hope, God will give me the courage and strength to bite the bullet and do it! The thought of squeezing in an mrt is madness to me. The thought of me perspiring like cat and dogs irritates me too! I dont know how long its going to take. Maybe next week God will give me another car.  Maybe next week God will allow me to chance upon a car deal which i cant reject. Maybe God will allow the COE to drop and I would be able to get the car i have been dreaming of. Whatever it is, I know this is a test. A test which i have to passed. A test which can only help me to grow and honor God. And God is a God that will never short change me!

Ephesians 3

God’s Marvelous Plan for the Gentiles

 ¹ For this reason I, Paul, the prisoner of Christ Jesus for the sake of you Gentiles—

 ² Surely you have heard about the administration of God’s grace that was given to me for you, ³ that is, the mystery made known to me by revelation, as I have already written briefly. ⁴ In reading this, then, you will be able to understand my insight into the mystery of Christ, ⁵ which was not made known to people in other generations as it has now been revealed by the Spirit to God’s holy apostles and prophets. ⁶ This mystery is that through the gospel the Gentiles are heirs together with Israel, members together of one body, and sharers together in the promise in Christ Jesus.

 ⁷ I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God’s grace given me through the working of his power. ⁸ Although I am less than the least of all the Lord’s people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the boundless riches of Christ, ⁹ and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things. ¹⁰ His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, ¹¹ according to his eternal purpose that he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. ¹² In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. ¹³ I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory.

A Prayer for the Ephesians

 ¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

 ²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Not Stronger Than Jesus

Even Jesus needed Simon to carry His cross. I am not stronger than Jesus and I cant do this alone. No way I can do this alone. But where is the support?

I long for good worship. I long for strong prayer meetings. I long for deep accountability. I long for strong community. I long for a place where i can be challenge to grow. I long for a church that is hungry for Jesus.

I feel so dry. And that is something to be worried about.

Am I in the right place?

Matthew 7:14

“But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” – Matthew 7:14.

I knew it would be a lonely path to take. A path that no one will support or agrees to because the idea of it is crazy and some would call it a total madness. But i guess the day i chose this path which God had given me, i knew what I am signing up for. The day where i cry out to God and told Him that i’m serious about Him and I would  visit orphans and help widows in distress, that i would help the least of our brothers and sisters, i know its going to be difficult.

As persecution, trials and obstacles starts to raise, and people start to be critical in their opinions and comments, I know deep in my heart i’m doing the right thing. I know deep in my heart I find peace knowing that nothing can deter me from what God had installed for me. Strangely enough its difficult and painful too, because I hate to be alone and often its the people around you that hurt you the most. And it seem like its impossible to find any support or anyone that share the same burdens or to even understand what it really means for me to take on this narrow path. But I know God is faithful and He will never forsake me.

The team to Africa now consist of 30 people. 3 guys and 27 girls. Some may argue that man have the important task of bringing back the bread, clothing and shelter. However, i feel that in a modern society, man and woman both have the responsibility to bring back the brick and butter. In fact, at times a woman have to work and yet manage the affairs of the house and take care of the kids. Its no excuse. Man are called by God to lead. So Man need to raise up and start leading the ladies in the mission fields too. They need to step up and MAN UP! The man in this world need to understand that Jesus called both man and woman to visit orphans and widows in distress. Jesus commanded all christians to bring the gospel to all nations. Jesus commanded all christians to help the least of our brothers and sisters. In the bible, Jesus did not specifically call only the woman to do so. Man need to stop being distracted by the world and start putting on Godly lenses and see the things our heavenly Father sees.

Father Lord, I pray that you open up the eyes of man in Singapore and this world Lord. I ask that Lord you place a burden like you had in mine to all the man in this world, that they will Man Up and recognize the fact that you have called all men to visit orphans and widows in distress. To feed, help and love the least our of brothers and sisters in this broken world. Oh Father i ask that you come and break their hearts, I ask that Lord you come and stir the hearts and the lives of these man oh Lord! That they will not continue to stay in their comfort zone. They will not continue to stay where they are but to RAISE UP! Lord i ask that you come and send more man into the missons field, not just to expose themselves but to carry your burdens and serve your desires, for the glory of your KINGDOM! Father i do not know what lies ahead of me, but Lord i ask that you come and work your will in me. That everything I have belongs to you. Though I do not know where you want me to head now. But father you know that there is no where in this world i want to be more than in your arms and presence. I ask that you come and bring me to a place of sanctuary Lord. A place where I can dwell in your presence in fullness. A place where i will find eternal joy and peace no matter how tough my life will be. You and only you Lord is who i want to live my life for. Come break me, mould me, send me! No matter how tough life will be ahead. No matter how many sacrifices i am going to make. I know Lord you will never forsake me and I know Lord my reward would be great in Heaven. Come and help me not be distracted so much by works that i forget about the cross. I ask that Lord for everything I am doing and going to do, I ask that you come and align me according to your purpose and will. Let me not go astray and go off road to a direction that is only for good works Lord, but to a direction where the works i do are driven by Your Grace. Your ever lastly grace oh Lord! In Jesus name i pray. Amen!

 

A Cry For More

Oh…. I want so much more. I want so much more of God, so much more of his presence, so much more of His desires and will, so much more to serve him in a greater way. I wan so much more!

I am extremely dissatisfied with what I have right now. I feel that my life is meant to have so much more. To do so much more. Everything in Singapore no longer appeal to me. I thank God for my life here in Singapore, but there is a longly in my heart just waiting to get out of here. Dont get me wrong, God give me a good life, a good family, awesome friends, a good career and all my life I would say I have been “blessed”. But I’m starting to hate this place. Everyday i get to work just to get by. I close deals just because i need to pay my bills and survive. The only thing that I enjoy doing is meeting friends to talk about life and direct them to God.

I have no idea how to describe this feeling. Its like having a vacuum in me needing to be filled up. A vacuum in me longly to explode to fulfill the destiny that God had installed for me. A vacuum crys out to God everyday begging Him to fill it up, desperately.

But…

Its also a vacuum that is scared and afraid. Because I know in order to fill this vacuum, it means that I would have to give up everything i have right here in Singapore. The comfort of my home and the luxuries of my life. It means I would have to do what i dislike doing and get dirty for God. It means, I have to be nothing so that God can be my everything. Its means to carry my cross like Jesus did on crucifixion. Though I dont think I will be crucified but its going to hurt; physically, emotionally but I will be filled spiritually abundantly.

The truth is, given a choice i just want to live my dreams and my ambition. Strike the big bucks and get the girl of my life and just live life. I would want the status, the power, the money. Who wouldnt want? But than the REAL truth demands my all, it demands my service, it demands my life. And i know the destiny for me is not for me to shine in the marketplace but to a place of true liberation. A place where i can experience great joy and love. A place where i can meet God face to face. A place where the least of our brothers and sisters are.

I have no idea where God will lead me. Thats why for the past year I have been travelling. And i have plans to visit countries that God has reveal to me from time to time. I have no idea why God wants me to travel to so many countries instead of telling me directly where he wants me to head to. Maybe He has but i simply refuse to acknowledge it. Maybe.

Maybe God needed me to open my eyes so that I can see his heart through His eyes. Maybe God is just moulding me, preparing me, exposing me. Maybe God has a plan which is beyond my imagination. Maybe God just want me to have faith, to trust him and believe in him that He had it all planned out and we are just waiting for his perfect timing.

Oh God! I want to see devastation! I want to see poverty at it best! I want to see killing, disease and death! i want to see the things you see Lord! I want to see the things that break your heart so that my heart will be broken as well!

They say, “Be careful with what you wish for!”. I’m scared, very scared. Because i have no idea if i will have the strength to carry my cross when He needs me to. I have no idea if I will be able to measure up to the task that He will be giving me. I have no idea if I will be able to pull through just so God will be pleased with me. I have no idea! and this cripples me!

But I know God is faithful though I am faithless at times. And I know, God will never let me go through things that I cant bear. And I know if God is going to call me into that place of devastation, He will provide a way for me. He will lift me up with his righteous right hand and most of all He will never forsake me. And what is more precious than to have the Lord walking right beside you in a land where He lives with the least of our brothers and sisters.

And just meeting Him there, it is worth more than anything else in this world. So there you go! I have ask for it! God bring it!

Season of Service

So we ended.. As in for good.. Currently we are stopping all forms of communication so that I can take some time to get over her. God had spoken so clearly, but i didnt want to admit it you know. I had this glimpse of hope! that I can wait and take it slow, and when she’s ready, we can be together. I thank God for a Godly woman like maiz, that indeed I am not ready to commit into a serious relationship because she has been the one leading all along and the decision to STOP TOTALLY was from her too. That she is the one who decided we are not suitable since we have different burdens.  I have continuously deny the fact that this season is a SEASON OF SERVICE! Now I have no choice but to obey God, before He do the drastic! Trust me you wont want God to do that!

God reminded me today of my burdens and visions that He had given me. The tuition centre that I am supposed to support in chiang mai and the orphanage cum training centre I am supposed to setup in Pattaya. I am constantly reminded of 2 Samuel 7. That my Godly desire might not be God’s desire. That is something to pray about for sure, but over the series of events that had happened for the past few weeks, had constantly link me back to Pattaya. Why Pattaya? This is Pattaya!

It saddens me that alot of my close thai friends, people who i love and care for are from pattaya. A city of wholesale sex trade. A city where you can typically walk up to any girl and pay them to sleep with you. The sex trade in pattaya typically takes up 80% of the economy there i guess. For every 5 steps will be a A-GoGo bar or pubs or massage parlour. I cant change a whole city, but I can save one soul at a time and make a difference in the next generation of children.

2 weeks back when ploy and cherry came to Singapore, I broke down after dropping them off at their hotel. I typically freak out at the thought of seeing them going to hell as non-believers. For once in my life, I actually trembles at the thought of my friends burning in eternal fire. I felt fear, i felt inadequacy. I actually felt fear for prosecution, rejection, condemnation. How I will risk our relationship if I am to reach out to them! A group of very committed buddhist believers. Where they believe in buddha as much as we believe in Jesus Christ.

Part of the reason of choosing Pattaya is really for them. People like ploy, cherry, lui, wat, kru toy, jenney, tum, kru yodtong, kru jak, kru chart, kru kig, kru ped, kru noi and many more. I constantly pray and ask myself if this is my calling or God’s calling. But i guess as i pin the puzzel together, I start to see God paving my path each step of the way, from knowing them, to become a family with them, to me having this burden for pattaya.

I do not know how I am able to bring all this to pass alone, however I believe if this is God’s plan, He will lead me to the right people, the right doors. He will guide me and He will show me the way! I want to be the Good Samaritian in the parable of luke. I want to give and be a blessing in pattaya, I want to give the people of pattaya a chance to be fully preach at; to know God! And only with God all this could be possible.

A Big God

*What is a heart break without emo songs right? LOL!

So the verdict is out. After 20 days of cooling off period. To think it through, to see if we truly like each other or are we just mere lonely. Her answer confused me though. Because she said she like me but she is lonely too. I guess its not at all important now. Because ultimately she said that she wants to serve God first and she has a burden for her hometown in chiang rai. But did i ever said I’m not willingly to move to chiang mai at all? I guess the reason why i let it end it there and then, is because I know its more than just what we want. God had answered and He has clearly given us a direction. After all, the purpose of the 20 days cooling off period was to honor God. Maiz and I had been talking about making the relationship a God centered one. So that 20 days the both of us prayed about this everyday. I guess at the end, deep in our hearts we both know God’s answer is that we are not ready.

Part of me just wanna risk it all you know. To give it a shot and come what may! LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL! What is love when we dont take risk right? What is love when we don’t get ourselves into a round of hopeless romance. That is pure stupidity. She is right, she don’t wanna be a nightmare to her future husband. So do i! We both have issues in our lives to deal with and at the moment we just cant give our best to each other. And if we cant give the best of ourselves to each other than what is the point? We dont have to play with fire to know that fire burns! I been telling myself during that 20 days, to be brutally honest with myself when i seek God. If I said i love her, why would I even want to risk it and settle for something less now? Why would I want to jump into a relationship knowing that it wont last and the both of us is going to get hurt at the end of it all? Why do I want to give her a lesser me when I can give her my best?

Oh yeah.. I’m upset and as I’m typing this, I’m tearing. But I guess what hurt the most is because I’m disappointed with myself. Because I knew i could not give any excuse when she said that she knows she is not the full package i wanted in my girl. She was everything i ever wanted in a girl. Sweet, caring, loving, funny, pretty, chemistry, love God. That’s her characteristics, but naturally deep down I hope she could be a singaporean. Guess what! I didnt even know this myself till she pointed it out to me. Guess its the “got me out of surprise” that beats me up.

I thank God! I really do, because the me a few months back would have been totally crashed by this. The old me would probably be venting it all out in some thai disco, fooling around with some girls from some pubs in clark quay. I would have been in my depression mode, dropping work, dropping God, dropping life! Guess God really bring his test to a whole new level when I said no matter what happen in life I will never stop worshipping or serving him. With everything that is crashing down now, my finances and family, and now this, i felt as if a part of me had die. Not wanting to pray or spend time with God anymore. Not wanting to serve. But to just be alone. But God reminded me that the trials I’m going through this season doesnt change the fact that He is still God. That He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. That His ways are still greater than my ways. He is still the Lord of Lord, the Kings of Kings. And my circumstances this season are no greater than His purposes. This is so tough God but I know You will strengthen me.

Yes, no matter what happen in life, God’s work should never stop. I will continue to be a blessings to the people around, continue to fund the works in chiang mai, continue to reach out to the people that God had place a burden in me, continue to disciple Macro, continue to search for the church venue. And YES! I gotta remove the “I” from the equation and redirect my energy and focus on the sheeps that God has place infont of me. People like chee keong, Irene, Randee, my doggy gang, my muay thai family etc etc.

Ok i did my pet talk already, but i feel the same.

18 March 2011: Sharing

Discussion Questions

1. Can you remember a time when you were much more fervent for God? What are some reasons you give yourself for not going all out for God? What do you think God says about them?

My City harvest day when I serve in the sound ministry. Almost every sunday at expo and rush to jurong west after service for other services there. All major events etc. And yet still able to bring friends. I remember bringing more than 10 friends and all of them answer to the altar call during easter. But none return though.

I been asking myself why am I not serving yet in any ministry. struggling between the thin line of staying in my comfort zone or am I ask to serve in a different way that is to evangelize and taking care of friends when they are here, but the sisters in the CG serve and are able to save souls in the same time as well. So i ask myself am i using evangelism as an excuse. Now I am able to make Sunday, God’s Day and not work, I am still praying for God to guide me in this area.

2. How have you experienced the discipline of God in your life? (If you haven’t, then according to the bible you are not a child of God!)

1. Financial planning. God gave me a 6 figure income last year and now he took everything back again.  Because i haven been a good steward of God’s provision. Now that we are in the Give to King season, actually I am glad that I got nothing to give, this is because i dont have to go through the painful process of sacrificial giving and stay within my comfort zone. When i listen to the sermon on sunday I felt God asking me to stop giving excuses and do something about my financies. So instead of waiting for weichun to send me his excel spreadsheet that will help me with my financial planning, i spend the rest of the night after bowling last week to work out one on my own. I felt God also asking me for immediate actions that is to tithe with what i am left. I wanted to wait till i break even again than to start tithing. But God is saying tithe now! So I am going to tithe with the amount i borrowed from my brother this week. And from here on i will tithe not only my commission but all source of other incomes and referrals, which is a substantiate amount too. And the things i wanted to do in Thailand will have to take a secondary priority until I am able to fulfil what is required of me in Singapore first because how am I suppose to make a difference in a foreign land when I cant even do the same on my home ground?  I trust in God’s timing, that all my plans for thailand will come to past in his own timing. But first I must be “useable”.
2. My wants. giving in to what i want to do vs what God want me to do. I miss my muay thai family and i want to spend time with them. I have not seen them for months and i couldnt join them for the trip to pattaya this time round. I know they are disappointed and they kinda accept the fact that they have lost me as a close friend. When i told one of them that i feel sad i couldnt join them in pattaya and her replied really hurt me deeply. She said that when they are away, things are still the same because i haven been eating with them after training for months anyway. But God is telling me to do what is more important and meaningful and that is being there for my friends (like marco) during this difficult time and guide them to Jesus to build God’s house. If only serving God could lessen the pain.

3. What has God been stirring up in your heart to do? Are you heeding him or hardening your heart?

I dont wanna be a missionary that is struggling. having to rely on churches to support my works in the field. I have a vision that is to be sustainable on my own or my own resources. And mayb thailand is not my mission field. That is what I want to do because of my friends there. I wanna pray more and to be sure of my intention and to make sure its God’s calling instead of my own calling.

Breaking all inner walls

So everyone is unique and special right? That God created us all in his image. His perfect image. The day that we were born, we might be sinful but we are pure, innocent, naive and genuine. That our mind and our hearts were open and in tact, ready to give it all for the world and believe that this world is not as sick as it gets.

And slowly and bits by little, we came to experience life the way we least expected it to be. All that we were taught; love, integrity, sincerity, kindness; all that our heart are meant to be, start to put on a different face. That childlikeness we use to have turn cold, and our hearts harden to the cruelity of this world in the name of being “wiser” and “smarter”. We call it “life experiences”. And we lead it on to our friends and younger generation by sharing experiences and life stories so that they dont make the same mistakes as we do, in order for us to replace with our own.

These inner walls that I had built all these years of my life cause me to realise that I had lost myself, who I am suppose to be. That is why no matter how hard I try, how many wells i had tried running to, to find purpose and meaning in life, brings me back to ground zero time and time again to realise that I had not progress. No matter how successful I am in life, I am still empty always in search for more, thinking that emptiness in me can be filled up. And I thought all those sleeping around could allow me to find the love I am in need of and in search of. And I thoughts all those ice bags i shield myself with could make me stronger and a better man to only realise that I am an idiot at the end of day.

I thank God. That he revealed all these to me. To make me realise that, I cant continue to live life the way I have been living it. If I do, I will find myself on the same grounds upon my dead bed. That I need to break down all those walls and be that idiot that this world would call me to be. That I have to love without expecting anything in return. That I have let that heart out to be vulnerable instead of hidding it up from hurts. This is because this is who I am to be. The guy with the heart. That silly guy who give it all and expect nothing in return. That guy who cares and give a damn when no body else do. That kind guy. Yes that Mr Nice Guy. And I have to love myself before I could love others.

I need to stop rebelling. Rebelling against the fact that I am not who I am to be. I am not that cool dude that girls will throw themselves at. I am not that smart kid on the block with the brightest mind. I need to be truthful with myself that I can never be the guy I want to be but the guy I am meant to be. The guy that God created me to be!

Thank you Lord! For hitting it hard into me. Thank you! Time to hit the “Restart” button. *HIT*

Matthew 20:16 “So the last will be the first, and the first will be the last”

And this is my prayer Lord, that you teach me how to live a simple life. One that I will be contented with what I have now and not to be a slave of this society. Father I ask you to come and teach me humility, so that I wont live my life having to measure up with other people’s successes. Lord allow me to be the last in this world so that I can be the first in your kingdom. Give me the discipline and the burden to continue to be the salt and the light of the marketplace, with the motivation to help the less inform and to glorify your kingdom. O Lord, help me to be able to fight the temptation of greed and having to take short cuts in this industry that you have place me in. Allow me to shine and hold fast to my commitment especially in difficult times, to test the credibility of my words. Lord take control of my career, that you guide through it. Let it be your desires and your will to be done. Help me to stay focus on your works and on you, Lord. That I will never lose sight and conform to the teaching of this world. I want to serve you Lord, would you not use me, mould me and sanctify me.

Come and teach me Lord, what it means to love. To love one unselfishly, unconditionally. To love like you had love me, when there’s nothing in it for you. I had my fair share of fun and mistakes O Lord. Comes and teach me the process of right courtship and motivation and let the next to be my last. That I will not rush into a relationship ever again. That I will hold fast the requirements of what it takes to have a godly relationship. That I will be wise in my decision and the things I do. Only because Lord I do not want to short-change my future wife of what is to come in future and to be selfish to only satisfy my own desires of companionship. Lord mould me into the man you had made me for. That I will be able to lead in a relationship both physically and spiritually. That my relationship and marriage will be one that you will be well pleased. O Lord help me to guard my heart and my eyes, that I will not settle for less and to only settle for the best.

Lord you see my fears and my insecurities. The fear of not being good enough. Not able to measure up. Not able to provide and be the man I want to be. Father today i commit my insecurities and fear to you. That I will walk by faith and not by sight. That I will find my securities in you and my indentity in christ. That I will trust you will provide, like you always do. That all I have to do is to focus on you and everything else will be added on to me. Lord strenghten me. That I will be as strong as a rock. One that is unshakeable and unmoveable, so that Lord I can be a warrior for your kindgom. So that Lord you can use me for the toughest jobs ever possible. That Lord I will be front line for your kingdom and to finish my race for this generation and pass it on well to the next generation. Lord fill me up with your presence, guide me with the holy spirit. Allow me to feed daily on your words and to have a prayerful life. That Lord you are my everything and I am nothing without you. So God I trust and will live my life knowing that you will never short-change me and you have the best for me. So Lord use my life as you wish. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.