God reminded me today of my burdens and visions that He had given me. The tuition centre that I am supposed to support in chiang mai and the orphanage cum training centre I am supposed to setup in Pattaya. I am constantly reminded of 2 Samuel 7. That my Godly desire might not be God’s desire. That is something to pray about for sure, but over the series of events that had happened for the past few weeks, had constantly link me back to Pattaya. Why Pattaya? This is Pattaya!

It saddens me that alot of my close thai friends, people who i love and care for are from pattaya. A city of wholesale sex trade. A city where you can typically walk up to any girl and pay them to sleep with you. The sex trade in pattaya typically takes up 80% of the economy there i guess. For every 5 steps will be a A-GoGo bar or pubs or massage parlour. I cant change a whole city, but I can save one soul at a time and make a difference in the next generation of children.

2 weeks back when ploy and cherry came to Singapore, I broke down after dropping them off at their hotel. I typically freak out at the thought of seeing them going to hell as non-believers. For once in my life, I actually trembles at the thought of my friends burning in eternal fire. I felt fear, i felt inadequacy. I actually felt fear for prosecution, rejection, condemnation. How I will risk our relationship if I am to reach out to them! A group of very committed buddhist believers. Where they believe in buddha as much as we believe in Jesus Christ.

Part of the reason of choosing Pattaya is really for them. People like ploy, cherry, lui, wat, kru toy, jenney, tum, kru yodtong, kru jak, kru chart, kru kig, kru ped, kru noi and many more. I constantly pray and ask myself if this is my calling or God’s calling. But i guess as i pin the puzzel together, I start to see God paving my path each step of the way, from knowing them, to become a family with them, to me having this burden for pattaya.

I do not know how I am able to bring all this to pass alone, however I believe if this is God’s plan, He will lead me to the right people, the right doors. He will guide me and He will show me the way! I want to be the Good Samaritian in the parable of luke. I want to give and be a blessing in pattaya, I want to give the people of pattaya a chance to be fully preach at; to know God! And only with God all this could be possible.

*What is a heart break without emo songs right? LOL!

So the verdict is out. After 20 days of cooling off period. To think it through, to see if we truly like each other or are we just mere lonely. Her answer confused me though. Because she said she like me but she is lonely too. I guess its not at all important now. Because ultimately she said that she wants to serve God first and she has a burden for her hometown in chiang rai. But did i ever said I’m not willingly to move to chiang mai at all? I guess the reason why i let it end it there and then, is because I know its more than just what we want. God had answered and He has clearly given us a direction. After all, the purpose of the 20 days cooling off period was to honor God. Maiz and I had been talking about making the relationship a God centered one. So that 20 days the both of us prayed about this everyday. I guess at the end, deep in our hearts we both know God’s answer is that we are not ready.

Part of me just wanna risk it all you know. To give it a shot and come what may! LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL! What is love when we dont take risk right? What is love when we don’t get ourselves into a round of hopeless romance. That is pure stupidity. She is right, she don’t wanna be a nightmare to her future husband. So do i! We both have issues in our lives to deal with and at the moment we just cant give our best to each other. And if we cant give the best of ourselves to each other than what is the point? We dont have to play with fire to know that fire burns! I been telling myself during that 20 days, to be brutally honest with myself when i seek God. If I said i love her, why would I even want to risk it and settle for something less now? Why would I want to jump into a relationship knowing that it wont last and the both of us is going to get hurt at the end of it all? Why do I want to give her a lesser me when I can give her my best?

Oh yeah.. I’m upset and as I’m typing this, I’m tearing. But I guess what hurt the most is because I’m disappointed with myself. Because I knew i could not give any excuse when she said that she knows she is not the full package i wanted in my girl. She was everything i ever wanted in a girl. Sweet, caring, loving, funny, pretty, chemistry, love God. That’s her characteristics, but naturally deep down I hope she could be a singaporean. Guess what! I didnt even know this myself till she pointed it out to me. Guess its the “got me out of surprise” that beats me up.

I thank God! I really do, because the me a few months back would have been totally crashed by this. The old me would probably be venting it all out in some thai disco, fooling around with some girls from some pubs in clark quay. I would have been in my depression mode, dropping work, dropping God, dropping life! Guess God really bring his test to a whole new level when I said no matter what happen in life I will never stop worshipping or serving him. With everything that is crashing down now, my finances and family, and now this, i felt as if a part of me had die. Not wanting to pray or spend time with God anymore. Not wanting to serve. But to just be alone. But God reminded me that the trials I’m going through this season doesnt change the fact that He is still God. That He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. That His ways are still greater than my ways. He is still the Lord of Lord, the Kings of Kings. And my circumstances this season are no greater than His purposes. This is so tough God but I know You will strengthen me.

Yes, no matter what happen in life, God’s work should never stop. I will continue to be a blessings to the people around, continue to fund the works in chiang mai, continue to reach out to the people that God had place a burden in me, continue to disciple Macro, continue to search for the church venue. And YES! I gotta remove the “I” from the equation and redirect my energy and focus on the sheeps that God has place infont of me. People like chee keong, Irene, Randee, my doggy gang, my muay thai family etc etc.

Ok i did my pet talk already, but i feel the same.

Discussion Questions

1. Can you remember a time when you were much more fervent for God? What are some reasons you give yourself for not going all out for God? What do you think God says about them?

My City harvest day when I serve in the sound ministry. Almost every sunday at expo and rush to jurong west after service for other services there. All major events etc. And yet still able to bring friends. I remember bringing more than 10 friends and all of them answer to the altar call during easter. But none return though.

I been asking myself why am I not serving yet in any ministry. struggling between the thin line of staying in my comfort zone or am I ask to serve in a different way that is to evangelize and taking care of friends when they are here, but the sisters in the CG serve and are able to save souls in the same time as well. So i ask myself am i using evangelism as an excuse. Now I am able to make Sunday, God’s Day and not work, I am still praying for God to guide me in this area.

2. How have you experienced the discipline of God in your life? (If you haven’t, then according to the bible you are not a child of God!)

1. Financial planning. God gave me a 6 figure income last year and now he took everything back again.  Because i haven been a good steward of God’s provision. Now that we are in the Give to King season, actually I am glad that I got nothing to give, this is because i dont have to go through the painful process of sacrificial giving and stay within my comfort zone. When i listen to the sermon on sunday I felt God asking me to stop giving excuses and do something about my financies. So instead of waiting for weichun to send me his excel spreadsheet that will help me with my financial planning, i spend the rest of the night after bowling last week to work out one on my own. I felt God also asking me for immediate actions that is to tithe with what i am left. I wanted to wait till i break even again than to start tithing. But God is saying tithe now! So I am going to tithe with the amount i borrowed from my brother this week. And from here on i will tithe not only my commission but all source of other incomes and referrals, which is a substantiate amount too. And the things i wanted to do in Thailand will have to take a secondary priority until I am able to fulfil what is required of me in Singapore first because how am I suppose to make a difference in a foreign land when I cant even do the same on my home ground?  I trust in God’s timing, that all my plans for thailand will come to past in his own timing. But first I must be “useable”.
2. My wants. giving in to what i want to do vs what God want me to do. I miss my muay thai family and i want to spend time with them. I have not seen them for months and i couldnt join them for the trip to pattaya this time round. I know they are disappointed and they kinda accept the fact that they have lost me as a close friend. When i told one of them that i feel sad i couldnt join them in pattaya and her replied really hurt me deeply. She said that when they are away, things are still the same because i haven been eating with them after training for months anyway. But God is telling me to do what is more important and meaningful and that is being there for my friends (like marco) during this difficult time and guide them to Jesus to build God’s house. If only serving God could lessen the pain.

3. What has God been stirring up in your heart to do? Are you heeding him or hardening your heart?

I dont wanna be a missionary that is struggling. having to rely on churches to support my works in the field. I have a vision that is to be sustainable on my own or my own resources. And mayb thailand is not my mission field. That is what I want to do because of my friends there. I wanna pray more and to be sure of my intention and to make sure its God’s calling instead of my own calling.

So everyone is unique and special right? That God created us all in his image. His perfect image. The day that we were born, we might be sinful but we are pure, innocent, naive and genuine. That our mind and our hearts were open and in tact, ready to give it all for the world and believe that this world is not as sick as it gets.

And slowly and bits by little, we came to experience life the way we least expected it to be. All that we were taught; love, integrity, sincerity, kindness; all that our heart are meant to be, start to put on a different face. That childlikeness we use to have turn cold, and our hearts harden to the cruelity of this world in the name of being “wiser” and “smarter”. We call it “life experiences”. And we lead it on to our friends and younger generation by sharing experiences and life stories so that they dont make the same mistakes as we do, in order for us to replace with our own.

These inner walls that I had built all these years of my life cause me to realise that I had lost myself, who I am suppose to be. That is why no matter how hard I try, how many wells i had tried running to, to find purpose and meaning in life, brings me back to ground zero time and time again to realise that I had not progress. No matter how successful I am in life, I am still empty always in search for more, thinking that emptiness in me can be filled up. And I thought all those sleeping around could allow me to find the love I am in need of and in search of. And I thoughts all those ice bags i shield myself with could make me stronger and a better man to only realise that I am an idiot at the end of day.

I thank God. That he revealed all these to me. To make me realise that, I cant continue to live life the way I have been living it. If I do, I will find myself on the same grounds upon my dead bed. That I need to break down all those walls and be that idiot that this world would call me to be. That I have to love without expecting anything in return. That I have let that heart out to be vulnerable instead of hidding it up from hurts. This is because this is who I am to be. The guy with the heart. That silly guy who give it all and expect nothing in return. That guy who cares and give a damn when no body else do. That kind guy. Yes that Mr Nice Guy. And I have to love myself before I could love others.

I need to stop rebelling. Rebelling against the fact that I am not who I am to be. I am not that cool dude that girls will throw themselves at. I am not that smart kid on the block with the brightest mind. I need to be truthful with myself that I can never be the guy I want to be but the guy I am meant to be. The guy that God created me to be!

Thank you Lord! For hitting it hard into me. Thank you! Time to hit the “Restart” button. *HIT*

And this is my prayer Lord, that you teach me how to live a simple life. One that I will be contented with what I have now and not to be a slave of this society. Father I ask you to come and teach me humility, so that I wont live my life having to measure up with other people’s successes. Lord allow me to be the last in this world so that I can be the first in your kingdom. Give me the discipline and the burden to continue to be the salt and the light of the marketplace, with the motivation to help the less inform and to glorify your kingdom. O Lord, help me to be able to fight the temptation of greed and having to take short cuts in this industry that you have place me in. Allow me to shine and hold fast to my commitment especially in difficult times, to test the credibility of my words. Lord take control of my career, that you guide through it. Let it be your desires and your will to be done. Help me to stay focus on your works and on you, Lord. That I will never lose sight and conform to the teaching of this world. I want to serve you Lord, would you not use me, mould me and sanctify me.

Come and teach me Lord, what it means to love. To love one unselfishly, unconditionally. To love like you had love me, when there’s nothing in it for you. I had my fair share of fun and mistakes O Lord. Comes and teach me the process of right courtship and motivation and let the next to be my last. That I will not rush into a relationship ever again. That I will hold fast the requirements of what it takes to have a godly relationship. That I will be wise in my decision and the things I do. Only because Lord I do not want to short-change my future wife of what is to come in future and to be selfish to only satisfy my own desires of companionship. Lord mould me into the man you had made me for. That I will be able to lead in a relationship both physically and spiritually. That my relationship and marriage will be one that you will be well pleased. O Lord help me to guard my heart and my eyes, that I will not settle for less and to only settle for the best.

Lord you see my fears and my insecurities. The fear of not being good enough. Not able to measure up. Not able to provide and be the man I want to be. Father today i commit my insecurities and fear to you. That I will walk by faith and not by sight. That I will find my securities in you and my indentity in christ. That I will trust you will provide, like you always do. That all I have to do is to focus on you and everything else will be added on to me. Lord strenghten me. That I will be as strong as a rock. One that is unshakeable and unmoveable, so that Lord I can be a warrior for your kindgom. So that Lord you can use me for the toughest jobs ever possible. That Lord I will be front line for your kingdom and to finish my race for this generation and pass it on well to the next generation. Lord fill me up with your presence, guide me with the holy spirit. Allow me to feed daily on your words and to have a prayerful life. That Lord you are my everything and I am nothing without you. So God I trust and will live my life knowing that you will never short-change me and you have the best for me. So Lord use my life as you wish. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

God is humorous i guess. His sense of humor leave me speechless sometimes. How I wanted to never get to deal with you again and the next thing I find out, your came over to Activate. And I thought that the zone is big enough to not cross each other paths. God places me in situation where I have no choice but to deal with my own reality. You can never run away from weaknesses cause it simply catches up with you.

My career had stabilized. Now the game is all about sustainability. However, the pressure of the industry is still the same. Even harder when you want to stay righteous and be the salt and light in this industry. I am glad that God had been blessing me and God had honor me with many awards. But I cant help feeling upset, whenever I burst a deal due to my in-capabilities, and all this “capabilities” can only be gain through experience and age.

I question myself sometimes, how have I glorify God in this industry. Sometimes in the way i handled my clients and the way i package my presentation. I am doing everything legally, but could i have handled it in a better way. I burst a major deal this week. $2.62mil deal. Commission adds up to about $54,000. Some agent undercut me and close it and the seller back out on the 0.5% he agrees to give me. I have every right to get upset and fight for my rights. However, when I look back, the mistakes i make and the way i try to push my way through. It doesnt only give myself a bad name but I believe it upset God greatly too. I am no different from any agents in that way. I wanna create a win-win situation. I want every deal to close with a happy ending, but is it possible in this industry when people eat each other up?

I look back the past 5 months now. There had been progress in my career, in my material possession. But when i look to my walk with God. Not only have I not grown deeper in the Lord, I backslide. Everytime God reveal himself and allows me to grow, I fall back once again into sins. It’s just so frustrating. Why am I so weak spiritually. I am sick of staying on the same grounds with God. I wan to grow. I want more of God. I want to be Godly. But somehow I can never get there. Am i trying too hard on my own strength and understanding? How can i than allow God to take full control?

I am only 22 and I am earning more than a commercial pilot. Have this cause me to be arrogant and proud? Full of myself? Through the mistakes I make time and time again, I know I am not the smartest man on earth. I know I am not a jack of all trades. I know I am not as capable as i think I am. I know the things i have now, much as its the fruits of my labour, but I only got them because God had given them to me. I want to be humble. I want to face the reality and fact that I am nothing without God. My achievements today is nothing if God haven given them to me. Everything i have today is cause of God’s love for me. I want to stop being so self-centered. But why do people have to come time and time again to challenge this fact about me. To get me to raise up my walls and armor and fight for myself and my pride. Why cant people just live peacefully and stop trying to get me to prove myself to them. I know my worth is not in others recognition, but i cant help to prove to them that they are wrong.

“Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD.” – Psalm 25:4-7

There are a few things that Success is not…

Success is not fame, money or power

Success is waking up in the morning so excited about what you have to do that you literally FLY out of the door

Success is LOVE

Yes! Success is waking up in the morning so excited about what you have to do that you literally FLY out of the door!!!!

I was on the verge of giving up God again. This familiar feeling, this familiar thought, this familiar process i went through 2 years ago came back. I recognize its face. A face that is telling me to leave church once again. I recognize the body of it. To harden up and shut everyone else up. I recognize the brain of it. “where is God in everything you are going through right now?” “There is so many things you dont agree in this church, why stay?” Its destructive power is magnificent.

I was faced with the reality that I am not good enough. I am useless, much a failure. I am not who I am and everything i thought i can be. I am not as capable as I thought i am.. I am junk, unwanted and alone.

On this day of your life, Gilbert, we believe God wants you to know… That God sess you as you truly are – a HOLY CHILD OF LIGHT! Sally said she saw me as a “pointer”. I point people in the right direction and shine light into the darkness of their life!

I have been living a lie! A life deceit by the devil! I am not a junk. I am not useless, much more a failure. I have been living in denial of my true purpose in Christ! That is to be the light! LIGHT!

” I see you strong and whole. I see you blessed and prospered. I see you courageous and confident. I see you capable and successful. I see you free from all limitations or bondage of any kind. I see you as the spiritually perfect being you truly are!”

Get back on your feet Gilbert. Be of courage and confident. You are more than who you think you can be. Find it!